Random thoughts


It has been a while since I posted anything. I must say, I am so caught up by mundane and seemingly critical things that I keep forgetting what it is to feel, and what it is to experience. Nevertheless, the past few months of my life have been real eye-openers – I have transformed from a dumb, ignorant simple person to a wise, self-aware and a practical person.

There are quite a few things I wanted to write about – firstly, that I am caught up in the endless chasms of introversion. I have always been proud to be identified as an ambivert. I always start out to be known as an introvert to new people, and unless they take some effort in making me open up, I remain silent and social to the bare minimum. What I am now, though – is being a deliberate introvert. I am immersed in deep thoughts, trapped in what I think is leading to nihilism. For starters, I see myself searching for meaning. What is the purpose of being here? Why am I living what I am living? Where is my happiness? What am I content with, and where is the line where I draw my line for meaningless relationships?

From a friendly person who devotes a lot of time into caring for her friends and spending time with them, I am now slowly becoming withdrawn and introverted. Social gatherings bore me. I prefer spending time with known friends than making new ones. I prefer a coffee and a book/movie/series over going out for the sole purpose of “supposedly having fun”. Being all day with people drains me so much, that I want some alone time for myself. Is this a part of growing up? Is this because of my tightly packed work life? Is this because nothing interests me anymore?

Do not mistake me – I deeply care for my friends. I care for my people, my family and the like. But I also now believe, that we are at a stage where attaching onto someone becomes suffocating than liberating. Attachments cause pain. Thinking of mortality just makes me so upset, that I want to run away somewhere and be alone, than be consumed by the thoughts of how I can handle the fact that life does come to an end someday.

Even after all these changes in me, there is one thing that hasn’t changed at all – to love and be loved. I can say very strongly that I am now experiencing one phase of Karma that I totally deserve. I’ve taken a lot of decisions along the way, and I have always been proud of most of them. However, there are some decisions that I took citing specific reasons, and now, all those reasons have been defied and I see myself wanting to reverse those decisions. Hell, I can definitely try and undo some of them, but not (and never) at the expense of a whole bunch of peoples’ suffering. These multitudes of decisions taken, hopes hanging and unfulfilled desires have now driven me to this phase of alleged nihilism. I’ve not yet started to disregard religious and value based beliefs, but in my search for meaning, I’m somewhere near the “life’s meaningless, so what’s next” territory.

As I rant, and feel, grunt and heal – all I wish for, is that I make no more mistakes that I might regret later.

Always a hopeless romantic,

Abhinaya Hari